The Secret of Strong Relationships
Three decades ago, researchers conducted a study of the habits that destroy marriages. Their extensive research examined decades of couples’ relationships and studied the way couples related from the moment they said, “I do.”
Their research attempted to identify early differences between both couples who remained married and those who eventually divorced. What they discovered was a bit unsettling. The study revealed that few of the factors one might guess would indicate a couple’s future. Future marital success could not be predicted by how in love a newlywed couple said they were, nor by how much affection they showed each other, or even how much they fought or the things they fought about. Surprisingly, in the early days of marriage, the relationships of successful couples and unsuccessful couples looked remarkably alike.
Despite the similarities, psychologists Cliff Notarius of Catholic University and Howard Markman from the University of Denver gradually discovered a subtle but telling difference. What was the difference? Among successful couples, five of every 100 comments were unfavorable toward their spouse. In marriages that were ultimately unsuccessful, this number doubled to ten or more negative comments per 100.
This gap between positive and negative comments typically got even wider over the following decades of marriage, until couples heading downhill were flinging five times as many cruel and unkind comments at each other as happy couples. Notarius and Markman eventually published their findings in a co-authored book titled, We Can Work Things Out. The authors observed, “Hostile putdowns act as cancerous cells that, if unchecked, erode the relationship over time.” The two observed how, “In the end, relentless unremitting negativity takes control, and the couple can’t get through a week without major blowups.”
Though not speaking to married couples but to churches, the Apostle Paul made a similar point in his letter to the church at Thessalonica, writing, “So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.” (I Thessalonians 5:11, NLT) When we encourage one another, we create positive bonds that connect us. In contrast, when we say harsh, unkind things, we destroy and weaken relationships. King Solomon described relationships this way, “Some make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.” (Proverbs 12:18, NIV)
Friendships characterized by encouragement usually last, while harsh relationships that cut others down often do not. These principles are true whether we are talking about how we relate to our spouse or a friend. Notarius and Markman made this point recently; the Bible made the same point 3,000 years earlier. Treating one another with respect and kindness consistently improves every relationship.